Today is my birthday and that is my age.
Hmmmm.
It is too weird.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. Really.
Now, however, I understand my mother. She once shared a ritual that she would perform occasionally when she got older (she must have been around 70 at the time). I recommend it highly.
Stand in front of the mirror. Lean in. Stare deeply into your own eyes. And whisper, "Are you still in there?".
Oh, yes. I am.
Alas, alas...once more, a month has gone by without a post by moi. I have plenty of excuses but none of them a good one.
I have been traveling quite a bit. In fact, I am off tomorrow for Chicago, to an eye meeting and visits with family and friends.
The other excuse is that I had a very stupid accident. I'm sure these things happen for a reason and that there is a lesson in it. Rushing, always rushing. Doing three things at once. Things like talking on the phone, packing for my trip and walking across the floor. It was the walking that did it. Walked right into the corner of my suitcase. We all stub toes; no big deal. However, when I looked down at my foot, I did recognize that the toe should NOT be pointing in that direction at such an odd angle. Off to the ER; postpone the flight; spend the trip on crutches, wheelchair and scooter.
So, what is the lesson of the foot? It's one that has been taught to me before, yet I have never absorbed it.
1. Slow down. There's really no reason to rush.
2. Pay attention.
3. Be conscious, be present, be wherever you are.
4. Know when to ask for help and when to accept it. Especially recognize when you are being STUPID for trying to do everything yourself.
I suspect that all of you recognize these lessons. When, oh, when will I learn them?
This week, however, I have:
1. Slowed down. I really have no choice. If I go fast, the pain is quite distracting.
2. Pay attention. I always know exactly where I am putting that foot!
3. Ah, now here is the biggie. I must learn to absolutely stay with my body and mind wherever they are and not go tripping off into the future or back into the past. Recognize the beauty, the purpose, the joy of right now. Working on it, folks - still working on it.
4. Ask for help. Are you kiddin' me? This one is beyond my abilities and I just don't think I'll ever be able to ask and accept. Then again, the foot is still talking to me!
And about that being STUPID? You don't actually expect me to tell you what I did while stuck on home this week, do you? Bad, bad, bad...but I didn't hurt the toe...honest.
Setting the intention to blog more regularly - but that would be living in the future, wouldn't it?
I've been so discouraged lately; feeling that I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. Today, I realized that some of the problem is that I cannot seem to choose anything. My approach to life has always been to just gobble it up. I look around me and see so many wonderful, fascinating, intriguing things to learn and do and be. And, I try to learn and do and be all of them. At once. All the time. Crazy, yes?
I'm sitting now, bewildered, in my studio. It's overflowing with projects and "stuff". Don't get me wrong. It's organized as all get-out. A place for everything and everything in it's place. But, where is that place? If everything is put away, I can't see it and be inspired by it. But, if it's all out, I can't move.
Then, there is the list of things I could/should be doing.
And this is just the book stuff. I've got about 10 jewelry pieces in various stages, have three more books just kind of sitting there; want to paint, want to learn to take better photographs, want to get really good at PhotoShop, want to rearrange the studio so I remember where I put things.
You see my issue now, don't you?
Register for ArtFest. Finish the journal from Orly's class. Fix a broken necklace. Practice that cool technique Darcy showed us.
We're not even talking about the list at my day job.
And then there's the lose weight, get exercise, make time for meditation, catch up in the garden, paint the bedroom walls, fix the door, finish building the shower. Replace the earthquake supplies.
I'll bet you have lists like this too.
How do you handle it without getting frustrated. I know I should just pick one thing and do it. Or do something every day for three or four priorities.
But, I'm stymied (what a weird word - wasn't he a character in the Little Rascals?). Oh, yeah - there he is.....
Really, I think I am just procrastinating in the studio because if I don't, I'll actually have to do something. Actually create something; take a chance; be bold, be brave. Scary.
Enough about me; what stops you? Or even better - how do you START?
How do you feel about New Year's Resolutions? A lot of people don't make them anymore and research shows that most of them aren't kept anyway.
But I like the idea of a fresh beginning and a clean slate and a world of possibilities. I don't make "resolutions", but I do resolve to be and to do. This year, see if you don't recognize in me that gleeful baby there.
On New Year's Day, I spent some time thinking about me and the choices I make. There is someone deep inside who is the truth, but I have gotten into the habit of not letting her out. Over the years, I have made decision quite often based on what others need and who they need me to be. Oh, don't get me wrong - I've gotten over being a martyr and I do put myself first a lot - I've learned that at least. But, I do see how I alter my dance to fit the steps and tempo of others. That is not only damaging to me, but is unfair to them.
I'm trying to think of when I was most truly myself. What was it like to waltz through my day and simply be myself? I haven't quite nailed it down, but I think I was perhaps 18. But I do remember a girl in love with life and people and the world. Generous. Laughing more often than not. Contemplative and serious and creative. I'm still all those things but there's a breakdown somewhere in the system.
When you're young, you have all the time in the world. When you are older, you not only see but feel that your time is limited. As the saying goes, "If not now, when?" Now or never may be the response.
